Abigail playing with mummy's "sexy shoes" for Toria's funeral
my gorgeous boy - happy because he's in the chair he gets fed in
Peacefully sleeping
Gorgeous girl doing some colouringI haven't blogged much recently as a few things have been going on and I haven't been able to haven't felt up to it and just haven't had time!
Firstly i've been back in hospital again since my last blog luckily managed to escape after only a 5 day stay but it was on a short stay medical ward so not very pleasant!
I've been really down about lots of things mainly Toria's death, i just can't seem to get over it I know she would be so cross with me for being like this but I just can't seem to crack out of it I miss her so much and am so sad for her family, luke and poor little Edward growing up without a mummy! It makes me feel guilty that i'm alive and seeing these things- i know all very messed up and i know she'd be cross with me for thinking like this.
As well as me being unwell both children have too, Abigails asthma has been horrendous too she's on steroids which have made her behaviour horrendous! Lots of sleepless nights involved!
Oliver had a nasty d&v bug last weekend was like something out of the excorcist - one time i'd just put a clean nappy on him and re dressed him and started to go downstairs when he went again filled his nappy and it started to leak so I ran to bathroom and held him in there as no carpet in there - when I tell you what it was like you'd think i was exagerating! It was up to his neck and down to his toes and all over my bathroom floor i've never seen anything like it and didn't know where to start to clear it up! I spent all Sunday bathing him - washing clothes and mopping floors from vomit and poo!!
He's alot better now but its set him back with his reflux and continues to be sick for up to 2 1/2 hours after a feed!
I've now come down with a horrendous ear ache today which is effecting my speach as it hurts to move that side of my face so I think once i've dropped abi at nursery in the morning i'm going to have to get myself off to GP.
I was at clinic last week and had the good news they don't want to see me for 6 weeks so not till after Christmas!! I have changed around my inhalors in the hope that it will enable me to reduce my pred a bit as I can't get below 30mg at the mo - obviously back up to 60mg from last admission - I HATE STEROIDS!!!!
We are now in the run up to Christmas so hardly see Ed he just works so hard and does such an amazing job providing for all of us but I just hate not seeing him. He works every evening and this weekend he's working 8-3 on sat and all day sunday so we're just not going to see him - and its only going to get worse christmas is a busy time for musicians.
Argh enough moaning now - i'm hoping my christmas cards will arrive soon so I can write them, we've gone for Bliss charity cards this year - quite appropriate I feel after Oliver being born so premature this year and spending alot of time in the NICU.
I am almost done Christmas shopping and have done Abi's birthday shopping too so almost there!
I have decided on Abi party but am just booking the final bits before we send out invitations :)
Am off to bed now as really don't feel that great and don't want to be tired if we have another early start like this morning! I think they like to see daddy before he leaves for work at 6.30!
3 comments:
Hi hun,
Wow, you have been through the mill lately, and it must be harder being poorly while Ed is so busy and can't be there for you when you need him.
Hope you all have good health for December. Both my kids have been on steroids in the past couple of weeks, so it's clearly a bad time of year for it.
Sending you lots of hugs. And please do email me about the ebay thing, as I don't know where to start!
Hugs,
Becky xxx
sorry to hear your having a such a rubbish time, been upset about Toria probably isn't helping your health, the pain will go slowly I promise and don't feel like you don't care anymore when it does get better xx
Hun, it does get better, slowely. It has too.
I'm really missing Sami right now, it's her birthday and wedding anniversary on the 13th, and I just feel so low about it.
CF is cruel and takes peoples lives, and while you need to think bout those you're missing and who have gone. Too much of that thinking takes away from your life too. Concentrate on living how Toria would like you to live. She'd want you to carry on normally, so that's what you should strive to do. I know you already know all this, but I wanted to give you the words again, because it seems like you're kind of doubting that.
I am still going through the stage where I keep thinking 'well, how does anyone know that's what she really would have wanted, she's not here to confirm that'. I feel like this even now. But, I think you learn to put that to the back of your mind, and carry on eventually. It will get easier for you. And, if it doesn't....Well, I already have a vendetta with him upstairs, so I'll kick his bum for you!
Sorry to hear Abi and Oli are both poorley again.
I'm wishing for you hun, that everything will be better for you soon. You really deserve a rest. I am in awe, of the amount you have managed to achieve, you have 2 adorable kids, and they'll be proud of you aswell, I'm sure. As soon as they grow up, and realise what proud actually means of course ;):P
*hugs and love*
Gem xxxxxx
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